Discovering exactly WHO my father was has been a journey. It seems he was almost a Jekyll and Hyde in ways, with 2 personalities for different parts of his life. I was never able to talk to him, before his death, my then newly-found sister wanted me to "be patient" as her dad had (a few years) previously had a heart attack, and never let me have chance, for 2 years prior to his death. She then waited a few weeks to even let me know he had died, and that he had been hospitalized for a month prior to that.
A couple of years later, my brother contacted me. Our sister had made me promise I would not try to find him, and I'd kept that promise. As he said though, "you didn't contact me, I contacted you". Although he and I are now out of touch, because I had his work email and I guess he retired or changed jobs, he told me a lot and helped put some things into perspective.
I do have a different sense of my father than I had when I was younger. Rather than be angry at him not being in my life, and feeling that there was something wrong with me because he had chosen not to be, I now realise there was much more involved in that.
When my dad came into my life, and married my mum when I was 2, my father's maintenance stopped. I am assuming that, at that time, it was the way the law worked. Kind of, an "ok you've now got this dad so he'll be taking care of you instead of the other one" and that may still be the case in the UK whereas here in the US where I now live, the natural parent pays child support until the child is 18, whether the custodial parent remarries or not.
I am also considering that, when my dad adopted me, possibly with that terminating Alec's parental rights, in removing him from my record as a parent, maybe he was not allowed to have contact with me.
Whatever the circumstances, I am now more sorry than angry that I never got to speak with him before his death. The more I find out about him, I feel he was a sad little boy who grew up and made some mistakes that haunted him for the rest of his life.
My brother, Alex, had told me that his father was not really a hands-on fun dad, like my dad was. My dad taught me to jive when I was about 5 or 6, he was always a fun character, carried us kids around on his shoulders and when he didn't want you piling on his lap, he'd tell you he had " a bone in his leg" and we thought that was something terrible.
Alex said that Alec went to work, would come home, eat dinner and then sit in his armchair and read the newspaper or watch the television. Apparently, he would watch Nationwide, and then turn to BBC for Star Trek, and that his other favourite programmes to watch, were Whicker's World, World At War and Mission Impossible.
Alec's father had abandoned his mother when Alec was young, so Alex and I think this left him with no role model for how a "real" father should act, so he was basically just the provider, going to work and bringing home the money, and left the children's care to his wife.
This seemed to be a totally different person to the one that my aunt had described. She said he was flamboyant, the centre of attention, flirty, a teddy boy and that nobody even realised he was married. When I mentioned this to my brother, and he talked to his mum about his dad (without saying why he was asking) his mum basically reiterated this in that she said she met him at a dance (he thinks this may have been at the Bank of England as they had a lot of social activities for employees) and that Alec was like a peacock strutting around with his bright suits and orange hair.
This was definitely in contrast to his perceptions of his father.
Genetically, auburn hair is on both sides of my family, so I guess that explains mine!
He does remember his dad keeping the DA hairstyle when he was younger, and that, even into his 70s he did like bright colours.
In my father's cousin, Diane, finding me recently, and in our conversations, more has fallen into place that has also made me feel a sympathy for my father and the circumstances he found himself in, albeit by his own mistake.
As Alex had told me, his dad's father, George, had left the family when Alec was a young boy. Diane had a lot more information on that. Her mother, Edith, was George's father.
Apparently George had always been in trouble as a young man, but she remembered him as a fun person who, coming to visit while on leave from the RAF, told stories where various storybook characters met up and did things together. Sadly Alec's mother went down with TB, and George employed a young woman named Ivy to take care of her. Ivy apparently was underage, and George seduced her, and then they ran off together and had children of their own.
Diane and I agree that it seems Alec and his father both seemed to have seducing underage females in common.
Apparently though, because his wife would not divorce him (she was Catholic) he and Ivy were only common-law husband and wife, and by the time Nellie was ready to just let it go, Ivy had also been left and he had moved on to another younger woman, a secretary, who he did marry.
My father apparently lied about his age and joined the Army at 17. George wanted to buy him out, but Alec would not hear of it. I know Alec was posted to Lucknow, in India, which, from the possible dates - he being born in 1926 - would have probably been in the latter days of the Raj and just before Partition, although I have no definite dates on his time in service.
One thing that my brother stated, which seems very poignant, is that - feeling the way he did about his own father's abandonment and the things he did not like about him because of it - he feels Alec being torn between 2 children (my sister and myself) would have been extremely hard for him and made him aware of the similarity.
My journey continues.
